FreshUpYourSkin
Wieder ich selbst -
und warum das so verdammt schwer ist.
Being alone is easy - closeness is difficult
After a long relationship in which you've constantly felt small, nothing is easy anymore. If you've spent years feeling like you weren't good enough, constantly doubting yourself, and having to weigh every word carefully because otherwise something else would be wrong—then that doesn't go without consequences.
At some point, I was just a version of myself: compliant, quiet, cautious. Don't make any mistakes. Don't be a burden to anyone. Just persevere somehow.
And then the relationship ends. And you think: Now everything will be better. Now I can be free, breathe deeply, start over. But it's not that simple.
Because what remains is uncertainty. Deep doubt. Hurt. And this wall that you've unconsciously built for yourself – brick by brick.
It's so hard to let someone close to you again after that. So hard to allow closeness. To trust someone. To honestly say what you think, what you feel, without immediately being afraid of being judged or hurt again.
And at the same time, it's so damn easy to push people away. It's easy to look for faults, to overreact, to escape – because that's how you protect yourself. Because you think: I'm safe alone. I know where I stand. No one can hurt me anymore.
But all you really long for is to be seen. Honestly. Without judgment. You want someone to stay – even if your head is chaotic, even if you're sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, sometimes insecure.
But the path to allowing myself to do that again is difficult. I notice it every day. I want to trust – and at the same time, I keep my distance. I long for closeness – and yet I withdraw.
Because what once hurt so much has left its mark. And I have to learn that there can be people who stay. Who are honest. Who don't want to change me.
The path back to yourself isn't straight. And it's sometimes incredibly lonely. But I believe it's worth it.
Because I know: I'm worth it. Even with my scars. Especially with them.